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I have failed my spouse in and before marriage. After nearly a decade, my spouse still hasn't forgiven me. What can I do to regain trust and heal our marriage?

5/19/2015

4 Comments

 
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By Justin and Megan Dungan


We both understand from personal experience that there are two hurting individuals in a scenario like this: the offender and the offended. We have a heart for both sides. However, since this question is written from the perspective of the offender, we will focus on that for our response. 

Shame and guilt likely has found its way into your head from time to time, if not consistently, over the last decade. First, we feel that it’s important to try to understand and appreciate the weight of your offense on your spouse. This doesn’t mean walking around with your head low in constant shame, but rather understanding that decisions we make have consequences. No matter how big or small the offense, there is always a consequence. To accept that consequence is important, and it likely means that you have walked/will walk through very challenging times as a couple. This period of dryness may be brief, or it may be extended, and accepting that unknown variable is very hard to swallow. 

Part of appreciating the offense from the perspective of your spouse includes understanding their ‘triggers’ for the event. Your spouse likely has developed insecurities around this event, some of which may not even be known to them, and these insecurities can come to the surface when a trigger hits them. Triggers for your spouse may include your staying at work late, going out of town for work, going out with certain friends, a random line in a movie or TV show, among many others. Can you begin looking ahead and minimizing these triggers so they are not as hurtful for your spouse? Can you begin putting some distance between you and the group of friends that act as a trigger for your spouse? Can you begin going to work-related conferences with an accountable friend? Should you stop exposing yourself to movies that include adultery? Should you stop using certain social media channels? Should you install filtering software on your computer? Try to appreciate the triggers that your spouse has and treat them the way you would like to be treated.

Put up some boundaries. These boundaries may be needed for the rest of your marriage, the rest of the year, or just a few months. And again­ you have to be okay with that. Even if you don’t fully understand or agree with your spouse's triggers, showing them grace and understanding in this area and loving them through the pain goes a long way in their healing process. Let us say, however, that in no way should you accept abuse, verbal or physical, from your spouse. You should never feel that you ‘deserve’ this type of behavior. If you find yourself in that situation, it is imperative that you separate yourself (and children) from that environment now. This doesn’t mean you are giving up, you are simply protecting yourself and your children and you can continue to work on your marriage from that environment, with the assistance of professional counseling.

More importantly, however, completely embrace the individual you are in Christ. And that starts with knowing and understanding what you have been forgiven from. We have a saying at Journey that we repeat often in our house: “It’s okay to be messed up here, but it’s not okay to stay that way." This reflects the truth that we are all broken and have been forgiven, but also recognizes that we have a decision to make. Are we going to continue behavior that Christ warns is detrimental to us, our family, etc. or are we going to accept forgiveness from our heavenly Father, turn from our behavior, and lead the life we were called to lead?

Assuming you have taken the latter position, we would encourage you to hold fast to Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

We love the words ‘hope’ and ‘future’ in that text. While we are in dry spots in our marriage, we can feel that we are wasting time, almost running in circles. However, this Scripture promises that He has a plan, and He has a future for us. We have also found from personal experience that He can bring us through extensive healing in a very short amount of time, essentially making up any ‘lost’ time that we thought might have been gone forever. 

It’s a very hard journey that you have traveled and continue to travel. We commend you for seeking ways to help your spouse heal and grow through this process.


4 Comments
buy dissertation chapter online link
9/21/2019 02:01:37 am

Marriage is not as easy as most people believe. I mean, just because you are married, it does not mean that everything will stay the same. Take it from me, I used to think that being married would be the greatest thing ever. Most of what I enjoyed back then were gone. It is not easy, that is true, but that does not mean that it is wrong. Marriage is key to the flow of love and family in our world.

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cheating link
7/14/2020 11:40:35 am

Let's face it. We all live very busy lives. And sometimes, the easiest thing to do is come home and plop yourself right in front of the TV. While you may not have time to get everything done in a day, are you devoting enough time to your marriage? How much time should couples spend together for a happy marriage?

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relationship counseling link
11/1/2022 04:25:46 am

If you've hurt your partner and want to regain trust and heal your marriage, there are a few things you can do. First, take responsibility for your actions and apologize. Explain what you did wrong and why it hurt your partner. Second, make a commitment to change. Show your partner that you're willing to work on the relationship and make things right. Third, be patient. It takes time to rebuild trust, so be patient and understanding with your partner. Lastly, be genuine in your efforts. Your partner will be able to tell if you're truly sorry and committed to making things work, or if you're just going through the motions. If you're sincere in your efforts, you'll be able to heal your marriage and rebuild trust.

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therapist link
11/1/2022 04:46:52 am

There are different schools of thought on this issue. Some therapists believe that it is helpful to talk about their clients with colleagues, in order to gain insights and perspectives that they might not otherwise have. Other therapists believe that it is not helpful to talk about their clients, as it could lead to breaches of confidentiality. Ultimately, it is up to the individual therapist to decide whether or not to talk about their clients with others.

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